What’s The Story With Your Morning Wood Glory?
Your “Little Man” Is Trying To Tell You Something
Remember the good old days when you were still getting used to the changes your body was going through and adjusting to waking up each morning with a tent pole propping up your underwear?
Well, it just so happens that your perky morning pecker is indicative of more than what might have been happening in your dreams the night before.
It can also reveal if your diet is working in your favor and whether or not your have the right level of oxygen in flowing into your bloodstream.
A few years ago, a consortium of male doctors and pharmacists put their big brains together to create an app called the Morning Glory Tracker (spoiler alert: the app died a good while back).
How it worked: every time your shaft rose with the morning sun, you were to enter your fleshy feat into the app, which “rewards” you with silly GIFs.
If you got three consecutive chubbies, you had scored yourself a digital confetti party – like the ones you see when you text happy birthday to a friend.
The actual goal of the app was to alert you to any potential health issues.
Seriously, if you routinely wake up perky and then it suddenly stops, it could point to blood circulation issues or a sign that you’re drinking more alcohol than you should be.
A decline in hard wake ups could also be an indicator that your metabolism needs help and that is something very crucial to stay on top off.
The War on Morning Wood
Just in case you’re not a part of the Mormon religion, here’s a little factoid you might find interesting about the Book of Mormon:
Pud-whacking happens to be second only to murder on the list of grand sins.
Hard to believe isn’t it – the only thing worse than beating your bishop is to beat an actual bishop to death.
Pretty scary stuff huh?
Not really into the idea of bathing in lava with serial killers after you die?
Scott Stevens, a devout Mormon if there ever was one, developed the Mastur Plan app to help you avail yourself of your feral fapping ways. Once again, this app didn’t last long in the iphone store.
How Scott’s failed app worked: when you opened it, you were asked how you presently feel and had three buttons to push as a response:
If you happen to press “Emergency” the app would re-direct you to a seminar on why masturbation is tempting, and how to shame yourself for wanting it.
Scott also provided potential users with some insightful anti-wank wisdom:
“Break off friendships with anyone else who is struggling with masturbation. Being in their presence will exacerbate your problem.”
That’s pretty powerful stuff there – next time you meet up with your buddies at the bar and Joe start bragging about how he beat his dick like it owed him money three times in one day…
…that’s your cue to end the friendship. Not because Joe masturbates, but the fact that he’s talking about it.
Another one of Steven’s top tips:
“If layering does not suffice, consider more extreme measures like binding your hands to the bedposts.”
There’s just one problem with the app – after launching on Kickstarter a few years ago, Stevens only managed to to raise $504 of his $60,000 goal.
All jokes and fap talk aside, it is very important to stay on top of your metabolic health as it is the engine to optimal function. Get your blood tested, go see a nutritionist, but do make a point of keeping it in check.
Becoming An Instagram Star 101
This year, YouTube announced that it was cutting off its partner program to hundreds of thousands of content creators.
Of their litany of reasons for doing so, reading between the lines amounted to this:
There is so much noise out there that netting even just 1,000 subscribers to your channel is now a monumental feat.
It’s no different over at Instagram and chances are that, if you’re a DappChap subscriber, you have an Instagram account of your own.
So then…do you secretly harbor dreams of becoming a sought-after Instragram influencer who gets truckloads of “likes” from beautiful dames and receive multiple visits from the UPS man with packages full of goodies?
A while back, Bloomberg writer Max Chafkin decided to hack his way into Instagram and did everything from copping pro-bono help from an ad agency, borrowing clothing from high street clothiers and paid for bot traffic and managed to pull it off.
For a brief moment in time, Chafkin was en route to becoming the next star of Rich Kids of Instagram.
However, as soon as Chafkin pulled the plug on his efforts and financial investments, his “loyal” fans were quick to bail on him.
Still, this didn’t deter Endgadget writer Daniel Cooper from trying his hand at Instagram stardom hacking.
The key difference between Cooper and Chafkin’s efforts is that Cooper would not employ any help of invest any cash to build his social shrine.
What’s most entertaining about Cooper’s journey is that he inadvertently exposes how one “social media guru” is completely full of shit (or merely stroking his morning wood online) by following his advice to the letter and coming out of the experiment with only 18 followers.
You can find out who that “guru” is here.
“For me life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer.”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger